Bad Victim

by Porch Cat

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05:18
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03:48
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01:55
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04:02
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released January 14, 2017

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Porch Cat Portland, Oregon

Chan. Mexican-American living in the Pacific Northwest. Educator and activist in the form of a musician, singer-songwriter, artist, and poet. Chronically ill cripple punk, unapologetically queer. Spreading awareness of invisible & chronic illness, disability, Narcolepsy+cataplexy, Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome (Hypermobile type), sexual assault survivors and PTSD, race & identity, and LGBTQ+ issues. ... more

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Track Name: It's Too Quiet
I don't know why, I'm gonna cry
I've been living a goddamn lies
If you weren't there, I would have tried
But it's too quiet to sing about

Anxiety's a variety
Of constant sparks of rioting
And sudden is the quieting
But it's to dark to sing about

Sugar pills, script refills
Lately I've been writing wills
I've gotten over many
But it's too heavy to sing about

But it's too quiet about
But it's too dark to sing about
But it's too heavy to sing about
Track Name: The Drive
Someday I'll come home
Someday I'll come home
I don't know when
but I'll make it there again
I'll come home

We've been painting our walls
Painting our walls
Cause the winter time will come
and the colors will have gone
but they're on our walls

I've been singing for the drive
I'll be trying to make it out alive

I just want to run
I just want to run
I don't know how
but I'll start running right now
I want to run

I've been praying, you know
Praying, oh no
With my hands clenched into fists
I've been writing holy lists
Oh no

I've been singing for the drive
I've been trying to make it out alive
I've been singing for the drive
I'll be trying to make it out alive
Track Name: Narcolepsy
When I'm walking I feel like I'm falling
I do all I can do to keep from falling
I've been getting to sleep by losing days
I find that this is just one of my old ways

My brain is moving too fast in my head
But when it's time to get up, I stay in bed
Light comes through my window every morning
But when I unclench my chest it gets to storming

I'm grinding my teeth on the ways in which I dream
And I can't speak in the ways in which I mean

There is starlight like water in my eyes
When I wake up from sleep I rub my eyes
I feel myself leave from my body
But I don't see it at all I see nobody

I'm grinding my teeth on the ways in which I dream
And I can't speak in the ways in which I mean

When I'm walking I feel like I'm falling
I do all I can do to keep from falling
I've been getting to sleep by losing days
I find that this is just one of my old ways

I'm grinding my teeth
I'm grinding my teeth
I'm grinding my teeth
I'm grinding my teeth
Track Name: Safer Spaces
I remember things I don't need
And I forget the most important things
So when you're asking for proof from me
Remember that I wasn't really there

I'm too scared to say I might break
Go ahead and tell me these spaces are safe

Emma carried her mattress across her campus
She was brave enough to hold it up in protest
And I can't even go back to classes
Even though nothing happened on those red bricks

And I'm too scared to say I might break
Go and ahead and tell me these spaces are safe
And I'm too scared to take back the night
And I'm too scared stand up and fight

I know it's hard to see it go by laying in your bed
I know there's something in your mind that would rather see you dead
I'm sorry I'm not doing much more than just trying to survive
But if I can make it through this maybe someone else will try to stay alive



(ps: i'm going back to campus!)
Track Name: Bad Victim
Take it in stride, where is your pride?
A monster stole it while I was trying to hide
In the temple I built where the insides are gray
But the flowers laid out invite you to stay

So I've been planting thorns in my garden
To hold my power, I have to begin
I don't mind writing poems, in photo form
It's the action I take, it's the change that I've sworn

We suffer in anger, we claw and we bite
We're silent through tearfall but not without fight
I seem to keep cycling through the bad things I've done
For I am not pure, I'm the bad victim

I am with myself, it's all I can do
I'm reminding myself that I'm stronger than you
I seem to keep cycling through the bad things I've done
For I am not pure, I'm the bad victim

Tell them I'm crazy, I'll tell them you're right
Crazy you made me cause you made me fight
The record you played, your idea of fun
I've made it this far as the bad victim

I seem to keep cycling through the bad things I've done
For I am not pure, I'm the bad victim
Track Name: Cry In Bed
Well there’s nothing like getting a phone call
From the lady who gives you the food stamps
Saying that you could have just done something better

If freedom is what we make of it
Then why is there still so much shit
You’d think people would want something better

Sometimes I just cry in bed
Oh sometimes I don’t know what’s wrong with my head
Sometimes I just cry in bed
Oh sometimes I don’t know where is safe to go

And worthlessness takes too much time
And energy and peace of mind
I know that I could be some place better

Just look at it for what it is
A fucked up world where it’s hard to live
I WISH THAT I COULD MAKE IT BETTER

Sometimes I just cry in bed
Oh sometimes I don’t know what’s wrong with my head
Sometimes I just cry in bed
Oh sometimes I don’t know where is safe to go

Breathing is important too,
Oh, I wish that I could tell you
Breathing is important too,
We're not alone and we're not few
Track Name: Wild West
They say they'll go down to Mexico
When they get caught for their crimes
But the white of their skin will give them this
They'll live to serve their time

Cause the wild west is not like your dreams
And our progress is not what it seems

They say they'll north to Canada
When our ruler takes his claim
While native women go missing on both sides
Cause everything's the same

Cause the wild west is not like your dreams
And our progress is not what it seems

The cowboy sings a lonesome song
They said he was a white knight but they were wrong
Countless killed in femicide
Unearth the bodies they thought they could hide

They say they'll go down to Mexico
If we poison the water who will die?
Track Name: It's The Way
Well I look both ways when I cross the street
To make sure that you haven't found me
But if you showed up I think I'd smash your teeth
For the effort you went to to find me

The shame I felt from the pain you caused
You promised you were my friend
You pulled me in with the tips of your claws
To play this game of pretend

And I don't want to live in fear
But it's the way, it's the way, it's the way
If my word was valued like you said
Then how did you get into my head
I'm just child, no I'm not done
Growing with the voices hiding in my ear drums

You called me saying, "it's all your fault
That I've got blood on my wrists,
You don't look your age just don't tell no one,
What I wish I could do to your lips"

You took my love as a thing to exploit
You asked me if I would still fuck you
I shut down after I had cried
And to think that I ever missed you

And I don't want to live in fear
But it's the way, it's the way, it's the way
If my word was valued like you said
Then how did you get into my head
I'm just child, no I'm not done
Growing with the voices hiding in my ear drums
Track Name: Storm Song
Every muscle aches
Can't help but think it must be some kind of mistake
I only love the rain
when it's been too hot for days

And I count the time as it goes passing by
it's hard when it stays, hard when it's lasting
And I can't predict it but I can sure feel it
I'll keep on singing 'till my ribs come crashing

I crack even more when it's storming
I wake up spinning and sick every morning
Bruises collect in my palms
I write them all these song

And I count the time as it goes passing by
it's hard when it stays, hard when it's lasting
And I can't predict it but I can sure feel it
I'll keep on singing 'till my ribs come crashing
Track Name: Nothing Is Sacred
Look around at what is needed
Put aside your anger and give space
Our spirits feel defeated
So we burn our thyme and sage

Bring us healing, bring us peace
Understand the words you hear
We ask for pain to be released
For the smoke to finally clear

Ask your neighbors, ask your friends
Don't act like this is how it ends
Put up your fists in their defense
Because this can't be how it ends

Bring us healing, bring us peace
Understand the words we hear
We ask for pain to be released
For the smoke to finally clear

Nothing is sacred and nothing is safe
Among the people who live in this place
But everything is sacred that's sacred to you
Hold on to what you need to get through
I promise that I believe in you
I promise that I will honor you too