Porch Cat

by Porch Cat

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1.
03:31
2.
02:15
3.
4.
03:25
5.
6.
03:14
7.
02:53
8.
9.
04:37
10.
02:01
11.
03:57

credits

released November 22, 2018

Recorded and mixed by Chan Benicki and Emily Ayden
Mastered by Emily Ayden
Album art/makeup/photography by Chan Benicki
Lyrics and arrangements by Chan Benicki

Chan:
vocals, bass, acoustic guitar (tracks 4, 6, 11), lead guitar (track 5), pill bottles (track 6)

Emily:
vocals, electric guitar, drum programming, keyboard

Group Vocals:
Kaitlyn, Meral, Keenan

license

all rights reserved

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about

Porch Cat Bellingham, Washington

Porch Cat is the musical project of singer-songwriter, Chan Barraza, a queer, disabled Mexican-American. Through uptempo punk songs, sludgy ballads, and dreamy pop hooks, Porch Cat writes about queer identity, pain and chronic illness, surviving abuse and assault, colonization and racism - ultimately returning to themes of love and empowerment. ... more

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Track Name: Reclaim
I'm pulling out my hair counting the days
I've thought up how to die in half a million ways
I saw your pictures floating on my screen
I wanted to cry I wanted to scream

Cause when you lose your sense of self
You become somebody else
Take the pieces you've found back
And reclaim

My fingertips are bleeding I bite my lips
I just can't help the feeling, I want to resist
Tell all your friends I'm crazy, like most other girls
Well I don't care if you hate me, you make me wanna hurl

Cause when you lose your sense of self
You become somebody else
Take the pieces you've found back
And reclaim
Reclaim

If you told my friends what you told me
They would hate you too
But if you're feeling kind of lonely
I guess that means that you should call me
So if you're feeling kind of lonely
Don't think that you should ever call me

I never wanted to be your girlfriend
I never wanted to do the things that you wanted to do
I never wanted to be your boyfriend
I never wanted to be around you but I felt like I had to

When you lose your sense of self
You become somebody else
Take the pieces you've found back
And reclaim
Reclaim

So if you're feeling kind of lonely
Don't think that you should ever call me
So if you're feeling kind of lonely
Don't think that you should ever call me
Track Name: Special
I tried to wash you off like a Sunday morning
Of mowing lawns and weeding gardens
Bleeding from the thorns that are growing here

I tried to write you off when I heard you coming
Like a burning car, like I went running
The only way I knew was very far

You wanna say I'm wrong
It's not like you so I must be wrong
So if you wanna say I'm wrong
You get to be in a song
Aren't you special?

I feel like a TV set, static glitching
Volume up and screen projecting
Making sure I'm light years away

You threw me off, didn't see you coming
So I shut off, and began re-numbing
All the parts of me you tried to break

You wanna say I'm wrong
It's not like you so I must be wrong
If you wanna say I'm wrong
You get to be in a song
Aren't you special?

If you wanna say I'm wrong
You get to be in a song
Aren't you special?
Track Name: Medical Mystery
Must be a medical mystery
Even though it's hard to see
I know it's scary that we don't know just
What these tests show

You've got a rare disease
Of the tissues and disrupted sleep
Chronic pain, it fills your spine
Live with it, you're not dying

So you try to hold on
Even though it's your job
To schedule your life away
Appointments every day

Sometimes it's hard to eat
When I tell jokes, I get weak
I crack my knuckles loud
My body echoes the sound

You know I'm sick as fuck
Feel like I got hit by a truck
But it's just from waking up
After fourteen hours of sleep

So you try to hold on
Even though it's your job
To schedule your life away
Appointments every day

So you try to hold on
Even though it's your job
To get through the symptoms here
Try to do all the things you fear
You won't do in a year
Track Name: Vampire
It’s gotta hurt, if you love me
I’m sorry
I don’t think I am good
For anyone

I’m a vampire
I walk at night
It hurts me
To see the light
I’m a vampire
Not by choice
It hurts me
To lose my voice

Its gotta hurt to start to heal
Peel my burns, make sure they’re real
I’m awake while I sleep
I never rest, it leaves me weak

I’m a vampire
I walk at night
It hurts me
To see the light
I’m a vampire
Not by choice
It hurts me
To lose my voice

I’m a vampire
Watch me burn
It hurts me
I’ll never learn
I’m a vampire
I am ill
You hold me
You always will
Track Name: Welcome To Dreamland
I can tell the future
I can see it in my dreams
But I can never ask
What it really means

Repeating sequences of life
Soaked in familiarity
Is it my narcoleptic brain
Or can I really see?
Track Name: Who I Am
Late at night
I get lonely
I think no one knows me
For who I am

Cause they just might
Decide they hate me
Oh please validate me
For who I am

Every guy
I’ve ever dated
Must have hated
That I lied

I was scared
I’d been rejected
Felt unprotected
In this world

I had pride
And it was punished
It felt so loveless
To do to a child

And people say
That I inspired them
But I felt like I was hiding
Myself away

I have lied
To myself for so long
Wrote so many bad songs
To fix who I am

Who I am
Who I am
Who I am
Who I am

Late at night
I get lonely
I think no one can know me
The way you can
Track Name: Dream Girl
Straight boy thinks it’s kind of weird that you have pride
When you say you’re breaking up he acts like love has died
He can't be with someone he can’t change
And you can’t be with someone who won’t call you by your name

He likes your hair a little longer
He can’t stand you being stronger
Stab your own thigh, watch it bleed
Just get this boy away from me

I can’t be the girl of your dreams
I don’t even know what that means
Am I a man or am I a queen?

I keep dreaming we got married
Or we find each other after all these years
I keep dreaming all the bad things
The hiding and the fucking fears

Of being hated for being me
Of being hated for being me
Of being hated for being me
Of being hated for being me

I can’t be the girl of your dreams
I don’t even know what that means
Am I a man or am I a queen?

When you’re dreaming of me
I’m dreaming of a girl
She looks like heaven to me
She looks like the whole world

I can’t be the girl of your dreams
I don’t even know what that means
Am I a man or am I a queen?
I don’t even know what that means

I can’t be the girl of your dreams
I don’t even know what that means
Am I a man or am I a queen?
Am I a man or am I a queen?
I’ll be your man, yeah I’ll be your queen
Track Name: The One You Love
I always hated love songs
Sometimes they just feel so wrong
Why does the hurt take so long
I just feel so fucking wrong

I feel like I could die here
Promise me you won’t lie here
I swear I’m going crazy
Why don’t you kill me baby

I wanna be
I wanna be the one you love
I wanna be
I wanna be the one you love

I wanna be the one you love
I wanna be the one you love
I wanna be the one you love

Feel like my hearts exploding
Feel like my guts eroding
I’m gonna lose my mind now
I’m losing track of time now

Feel like I’m breaking down
Feel like a fucking clown
They say smile now cry later
But watch me do both cause it’s painful to stay here

I wanna be
I wanna be the one you love
I wanna be
I wanna be the one you love

I wanna be the one you love
I wanna be the one you love
I wanna be the one you love

Don’t lie to me
I wanna be
Don’t lie to me
I wanna be

I wanna be
I wanna be the one you love
I wanna be
I wanna be the one you love
Track Name: Bummed Out
I got so depressed back in fifth grade
They said my body was meant to be made this way
I want to look at myself and see what I am
Projected image of my guts in my hands

Sometimes I feel so bummed out
I look at my body feel the blood in my mouth
Take the blades to my chest
Scoop out my insides and hope for the best
And I know it's better when you're not alone

I'm an Amazon without the bow and arrow
Starve myself 'til I'm thin as a scarecrow
As if that would make me feel any better
She'd tell all her secrets if only they'd let her

Sometimes I feel so bummed out
I look at my body feel the blood in my mouth
Take the blades to my chest
Scoop out my insides and hope for the best
And I know it's better when you're not alone

Sometimes I feel so bummed out
I look at my body feel the blood in my mouth
Take the blades to my chest
Scoop out my insides and hope for the best
And I know it’s better when you’re not alone

And I know that it's better when you're not alone
And I know, I like my body when it’s with yours
Track Name: Turns Me On
We went swimming in the bay
And I couldn’t look away
I fell in love with you

I’ve been staring into space
The constellations on your face
You take me to the moon

Your beauty is arresting
But I think maybe the best thing
Is when you’re being you

It turns me on x4
Hey!

You wear your heart on your sleeve
That’s the way things should be
I wouldn’t change a thing

Give yourself a chance
Baby, you know you can dance
And damn right you can sing

You’re learning how to love yourself
Learning how to not be someone else
God I love you being you

It turns me on x8
Hey!
Track Name: Dishes
I’ll do the dishes
All by myself
I’ll clean the house
Without anyone’s help

I’ll do the dishes
All on my own
I’ll make this place
Feel like home

I feel hopeless
Feel like a mess
Don’t let anybody do it for me
I know what’s best

I want to let go
And feel free
I know I’d miss you
Will you miss me

It’s not enough
To want to be
Not alone
More than me

It’s something bigger
We’ll grow to learn
Maybe someday
My heart you’ll earn

Yeah I’m a dirtbag
I’m a piece of shit
I’m a jerk sometimes
And I’m not proud of it

I’ll get tired
Of all this self hating talk
I’ll do better
I’ll go take a walk

I feel fucked up
I feel fine
It’s time for me to figure out
Which feelings are mine

I’ll do better
I’ll try real hard
But it won’t matter
If I don’t promise my heart

It’s not enough
To want to be
Not alone
More than me

I want to love you
I want to cry
I feel so lonely
I want to die

I’ll do the dishes
All by myself
I’ll clean the house
Without anyone’s help

I’ll do the dishes
All on my own
I’ll make this body
Feel like home

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