Bedroom Artist

by Porch Cat

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about

thank you for your patience while i was making this album
a lot of time and pain went into it, and i am grateful that you're taking the time to listen to these songs
thank you for that

sensitive topics like chronic illness, chronic pain, abuse, and assault come up throughout these songs - generally not explicit

credits

released June 24, 2015

Chan: vox, acoustic guitar (tracks 1-4, 6, 7), ukulele (tracks 2 and 8) electric guitar, pizza box (tracks 2, 4, 7), pill bottles (tracks 2 and 6), rhythmic breathing and jar sounds (track 6), album art, mixing

Moonie: electric guitar (tracks 1, 3, 5, 6), upright bass (tracks 2 and 7), electric bass (tracks 3, 5, 8), drum set (tracks 1, 4, 5, 8), vocals (track 5), drum machine (track 3), mixing

Izzy: upright bass (track 1)


Lyrics and music by Porch Cat (Chan Barraza Benicki), with the exception of instrumental parts written by the people who played them.

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about

Porch Cat Portland, Oregon

DIY sadcore bedroom music.

Chan. They/them/theirs. Mexican-American. Pacific Northwest.

I believe in magic.

Side projects: The Ragshakers, Always Baked

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Track Name: if yr not happy
this song is about how it sucks when people try to tell you that you should be happy you don't "have it worse". it's also about thoughts i was having at the time about my gender, dropping out of school, and anxiety and stress in the form of trichotillomania.

***

Am E F G
F G Am E F G

i always wanted to be tougher than i am
but i’m small and i’m scared
i’ve always wanted to know just where i stand
but i stand everywhere

if you’re not happy
you should be

maybe i’ll drop out of high school
and maybe i won’t go to college
i’ve been wanting to drop right out this life
so, maybe i won't go to college

my eyelids stick together
the lashes hold them closed
so i pull them out, i swear it’s better
to make your own damn roads

if you’re not happy
you should be
yeah, if you’re not happy
you fucking should be

well, from down here i can see the sky
from down here i can see the sky
Track Name: take it back
this song is about ptsd and dissociation, being unable to understand why you feel like you're falling apart. it's also about coming to realize what happened to start it all and trying to come to terms with it.

***

lately things have been harder than before
my brain and heart don’t seem to work right anymore
this winter will take everything that's left
this winter will take everything i’ve got left

i’m losing time with thumbtacks and rubber bands
it’s something more cause i’ve got blood on my hands
this winter will take everything that's left
this winter will take everything i’ve got left

and the way they take it all
i lost myself somewhere else after the fall

oooooo

a year of losing control of everything
really does a person i think
i’m healing and i’m trying to get up
i’m crying and i’m trying to get up

i couldn’t see what i am seeing now
i’ve been looking from down here on the ground asking how
i’m healing and i’m trying to get up
i’m crying and i’m trying to get up

and the way they take it all
i lost myself somewhere else after the fall

i can’t take it back
i can’t take it back
i can’t take back what i never had
Track Name: bedroom artist
i wrote this song during a time where i felt like hiding away in my bedroom constantly, and was pushing people i loved away. it's about keeping secrets and how that can hurt you. it's also a lot about being chronically ill and spending a lot of time in your bedroom but not knowing how to be honest with people.

***

i don't wanna hang out with you
cause the sky's been really gray
i wish i could explain to you
but I don't know how to say that
sometimes all i can do
is hide inside my bedroom

maybe it makes sense to you
but it don't make sense to me
god i wish that i could start new
and turn out differently
but sometimes all i can do
is hide inside my head

a bedroom artist never tells their secrets
a bedroom artist fills their paint cups with regrets

i love you and i mean it
i swear to god i do
it's alright you don't believe it
i've got nothing to prove
sometimes i don't know how
to let anyone close

i'm sorry that i never called
i've been feeling way too sad
i thought that i'd enjoy the fall
but i've been feeling pretty bad
and sometimes i don't have the words

a bedroom artist never tells their secrets
a bedroom artist fills their paint cups with regrets

it's not my fault oh, tell me that you won't forget
a bedroom artist never tells their secrets
Track Name: belong here
this song is about dissociation, possessiveness, abuse and assault, and trying to fight it all. i think i'm winning.

***

took my head off in the sky
don't know why i said goodbye
laid down in the road to die
don't know why i said goodbye

oooooo

well a demon got a hold of me
and i couldn't see a thing
i always said i was monster
that didn't mean a thing
how could you be so mean?

i don't belong to you
i don't belong here, don't belong here, don't belong here
i don't belong to you
i don't belong here, don't belong here, don't belong here

you collapsed there on the floor
and i wished you would go home
you asked if we could be more
i said, no i'll be alone, i'll be alone, i'll be alone

when push came to shove
you pushed and you pushed
said it was love
i couldn't look, i can't look

i don't belong to you
i don't belong here, don't belong here, don't belong here
i don't belong to you
i don't belong here, don't belong here, don't belong here
Track Name: tell me
this song was originally about something else completely, but now it's about crappy doctors and being sick for a long time before having any clue what's actually wrong.

***

i've spent so much time crying
it'll be that way til i am dying
you say i'm crazy
you say i'm lazy

i always do my own damn dishes
while i make a hundred wishes
cause you're killing me
you're killing me

tell me, nobody told me
tell me, nobody told me
tell me, nobody told me
tell me, nobody told me
tell me

when i came to you crying
i could tell you thought i was lying
i'm begging you, i'm telling you the truth
i've gone through so many doors just to get to you

i always feel the same damn way
and how i really feel, i can never say
cause you're killing me
can't you see you're killing me

tell me, nobody told me
tell me, nobody told me
tell me, nobody told me
tell me, nobody told me
tell me
Track Name: the aftermath
this song is about abuse and assault, ptsd, but it really just served as a way for me to vent and process my feelings in the moments that i felt hopeless.

***

garden's been turning gray
and i'm constantly afraid
i don't know where i've been
it's planted in me like a sin

the aftermath is a lot like lying
keep yourself together when you feel like dying

but i can't
not in the aftermath

you're bringing flowers to a funeral
you planned yourself but you don't plan to go
you gutted me like you caught a fish
still that's something i wish

if i could remove the parts you touched
you're right to say that i wouldn't be much
oh i'm glad that i rarely saw your face
every time you put me in my place

the aftermath is a lot like lying
keep yourself together when you feel like dying
the aftermath is a lot like screaming
you toss and turn pretending that your dreaming

but i can't
not in the aftermath
Track Name: dreamin' meanin'
i wrote this just after i finally finding some answers about my chronic illness, which turns out to be somewhat rare. because it's not very common, many doctors assume their patients don't have it - it doesn't even cross their mind, or they're just not knowledgeable on the syndrome as it's not widely taught. i found information on my own, read a lot while being amazed that something could fit me so perfectly, and finally had to go out and find doctors to help me treat the symptoms.

***

capo 7
d em g

i’ve been bleeding
it’s coming up to my skin
i’ve got bruises
where the flesh is thin
and i’ve got no patience for waiting
i’m trying but i’m fading
em g
i’m hoping i’ll wake up from dreaming

maybe something’s
really going wrong
i’ve been sleeping
for way too long
and there are things they don’t tell you, until you find them
there are words i don’t know
and words can have a lot of meanings
Track Name: The Haircut Song
this is an old song that i thought would sound pretty cool with electric guitar. it's kind of about toxic relationships and finding freedom from them.

***

D F C G

i cut off all my hair and i got a cold
i found all our pictures and i felt so old

i had a dream where i poisoned you
but dreams they have meanings, yeah you’re poison too
and once in a while i just don’t feel free
so i think of places that i’d rather be

i’d be in the ocean
or on the sun
i’d be in a school bus
i stole for fun

i cut off all my hair and I felt free
i still think of places that I’d rather be